tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC December 22, 2011 12:00am-1:05am EST
she's hot from the neck down. >> jay: yes, she is from the neck down. that's how guys think. have you had a lot of christmas pranks played on you? >> not so much on me as i have to tell you a story because it's sort of a local legend where i live in texas. my next door neighbor, every year like all the family would gather at his house. and one year all the kids are there. it's christmas eve. and he walked outside. and they hear, you know, the sleigh bells ringing. he comes back inside. and he's like, "well, santa claus is here. he didn't bring any gifts." so the kids are like, what? oh god, you know. he's standing there and he goes, "son of a bitch, i'm gonna shoot santa claus." [ laughter ] and he grabbed a shotgun, literally walked outside and fired the shotgun twice at the roof of the house. >> jay: right. >> the kids are like, "oh god, he won't be back next year." and he's like, "you're right. because i got him and one of
the reindeer." [ laughter ] >> jay: wow. >> like it was a bonus to shooting santa claus. >> jay: that's a lovely story. that's a lovely, lovely story. [ cheers and applause ] have you ever played -- >> a local legend. >> jay: have you ever played a a prank on anyone? >> the timing of it was actually sort of coincidental. a number of years ago, i came home at christmas. and my parents' washing machine had given up the ghost. and my dad had just moved the washing machine out into the driveway. where it had clearly sat for months because there was like a a little rust river running out from underneath it. it is sitting out there with all the christmas lights and all the decorated bushes and what not. i call my brother. i said we have to do something about this washing machine. he's like, dad will not give it up for any amount of money. i said, let's hire somebody to steal it tonight. [ laughter ] >> jay: wow! >> so we called somebody who we knew was available for that
sort of work on christmas eve. [ laughter ] >> jay: and it takes a special kind of fee to work christmas eve. >> and 20 bucks. >> jay: right, right. [ laughter ] >> so, all evening, you know, it's christmas eve, all evening. i'm in my late 20s, you know. and i'm looking out the window. looking out the window. you know, my dad is like, "what is wrong with you? you're as nervous as an 8-year-old." you know, this is all sort of put on, right? and so then i got up christmas morning. and i looked out. the washing machine was gone. and my dad, you know, as usual, walked outside. came back in. he was like son of a bitch, somebody stole the washing machine. i'm like, which one? the one in the garage? is mom okay? she's usually out there folding clothes. my parents are just finding out about this right now. >> jay: right now? wow! wow! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> my mom suspected it. but right now, my dad is waving his, you know, wrinkled fist at the television in aubrey, texas. if anybody knows where aubrey is. >> jay: and how is your
daughter? cody is it? >> she's great. >> jay: how she doing? what, she's 7 now, right? >> she is 7. >> jay: and how is she doing? >> she's doing great. we went, you know, the price of christmas trees is sort of outrageous, i think at times. >> jay: yeah. >> we went shopping. we went looking for them. and of course, i have the ranch and we have cedar on the ranch which is more of a christmas weed than a christmas tree. >> jay: oh christmas weed, right. [ light laughter ] >> but we went into a tent there locally. we're going through and it's like $140 for a tree or $90 for a tree. this is crazy. this is outrageous. she's like, she says this, "we don't have to get one today." so we're in the truck. we're driving away. this is like three or four, this is right after thanksgiving. we're driving away. she goes, why don't we cut one on the ranch. she's seven. and i go, why would you want to do that? she said because they're free. [ laughter ] i looked at her like, i've got to pull over. i've never loved you more than i love you now. [ laughter ] >> jay: wow, that's a wonderful
story! >> thank you. >> jay: wow! >> and when you're 16, you're going to build your own iphone. [ laughter ] you know? >> jay: wow, you really are a a cheap bastard, wow. [ laughter ] >> yes. >> jay: look, more with thomas haden church right after this. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ laughing ] [ cat yodeling ] honey, check your email! [ cellphone chimes ] [ cat yodeling ] kids! [ cat yodeling ] sing, larry, sing! [ cat yodeling ] we should have got a cat. [ male announcer ] get low prices on gifts to stay connected. order your last-minute gifts at walmart-dot-com and get free same-day pickup on select items. save money. live better. walmart.
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so, tell us about "we bought a a zoo." tell us about the movie. >> it's a lovely story about -- >> jay: it's a family show. >> it's a true story. it is a family movie. but it's a true story about a a man named benjamin mee who sort of went through a life changing event and then he ended up buying outside of london in the u.k. this sort of dilapidated zoo and then revitalized it. and kids, animals, pranks -- >> jay: this is perfect for your daughter. she's 7. she would love this movie. >> she told me she thought the movie looked too grown up. >> jay: really? >> yeah, she said do the animals talk? and i said no, no, it's a real >> jay: this is perfect for your daughter. she's 7. she would love this movie. >> she told me she thought the movie looked too grown up. >> jay: really? >> yeah, she said do the animals talk? and i said no, no, it's a real story. she goes yeah, "those movies are only funny when the animals talk." [ laughter ] >> jay: really! >> i immediately called the heads of 20th century fox and gave them that note. [ light laughter ] needless to say they hung up on me. >> jay: well come to think of it, the last time you were here about 18 months ago, you are going to auditions. didn't you, what happened? >> i went to have a meeting with the director cameron crowe and, you know, the meeting was going great.
i wanted to sort of, you know, close the deal. and then i realized that i had to drive from culver city to burbank, california, in 4:00 traffic. and to be with you on "the tonight show." and i think i got here with seven minutes to spare. >> jay: that's right, you got here and the show had already started. >> so i felt like i had two or three minutes, you know, as a a cushion even though i -- [ light laughter ] people are clearly not getting how close that is. >> jay: no, no. >> and you forbid me to ever drive myself to the show again. >> jay: that's right. we said we'll always send a a driver to you. >> and you punished me by making me get here at noon today. [ laughter ] i was here at lunch time. >> jay: and nobody -- >> lunch time, i was like, where's jay? i thought we were having sushi. >> jay: and nobody lies like an agent. where's thomas? he's right around the corner. really, you're talking to him? i just hung up, oh he cannot be reached. i thought you just hung up. oh no. they just lie. just tell me where he is. >> i eventually turned my phone off. >> jay: did the meeting go well? >> i'm in the movie, so that's a good sign. [ laughter ]
yeah, cause cameron crowe is the writer, director of "we bought a zoo." so, yeah, it went very well. >> jay: he's a good director. >> he's a very good director. >> jay: now, i understand you bonded with some of the animals, is that correct? >> uh, i did. i chiefly the there was an animal that i worked with in a a couple scenes. a binturong arctictis, but to you, just a binturong. >> jay: right, binturong, yeah. >> you do pronounce all the "n"s just like you do in badminton. >> jay: really? you play badminton do you? >> it's actually badminton. >> jay: yeah, say that when you're in texas next time. who would like to play badminton? [ laughter ] let me know how that goes out in the panhandle. >> sure it comes out slightly effeminate the way you do it, jay. [ laughter ] >> jay: so tell me about bonding. how did you bond with the animal? >> she is -- >> jay: it's a she? >> her name is ninja. >> jay: ninja, you pronounce the "j", ninja. >> i did. in the movie, she plays, actually, a guy named ronny. but we have a few scenes together.
it got a little confusing at times because she was really pretty friendly with me. she put her tongue in my ear at times. [ light laughter ] >> jay: oh okay. >> searching for food, so they say. [ light laughter ] when they give you wet willy's. >> jay: you brought her with you? >> yes, yes. [ cheers and applause ] ninja! ninja! here she is. >> jay: now, is this like a a member of the -- >> she's really friendly. >> jay: --the beaver family or something? >> she's actually kind of a -- >> jay: she really seems to know you. >> come here, ninja. [ laughter ] come here, come here, ninja, ninja, come here, come here. >> jay: we had these on, they smell like popcorn. >> they do, she smells like hot buttered popcorn. always feed her from the flat of your hand. never look her directly in the eye because she'll cast a a sensuous spell on you. >> jay: really? [ laughter ] >> i'm just saying from experience, things got a little weird. [ laughter ]
because as i said before, she played a guy in the movie. and she is in fact a female. >> jay: and where are these found? where is the binturong? >> she's from southeast asia. like i said, she's also known as the witch of vietnam. >> jay: the witch of vietnam? >> i'm kidding. i just made that up. [ laughter ] but she also likes, but you have to tell her what it is. it's like, here, ninja. naner! here's a naner. >> jay: nanner? >> here's a nanner, here's a a nanner, here you go. she really likes it, she hates the peel. it has too much lactic acid in it for her. [ laughter ] >> jay: oh all right. >> here you go. do you want her to climb aboard? >> jay: if she's friendly. what is the life span of one of these? assuming you're not feeding her all the time. >> they can live -- >> jay: i don't want her to die of obesity from you feeding her. [ laughter ] >> do you know what she really enjoys is the nose of nighttime talk show hosts. >> jay: really! >> no, i'm kidding. do you want to feed her? >> jay: yeah, come on over here. >> here, come here ninja. come on over here. >> jay: come here ninja. >> come on over. >> jay: no, it's over here.
>> there it is. she'll cruise over there. she weighs about 70 -- she weighs 75 now. [ laughter ] she weighed 70 when we were shooting. >> jay: there you go, there you go. what is this clip we're going to see? >> she was ignoring jenny craig. >> jay: is ninja in the clip? >> she is not. she is not. but this is the animal i worked the most closely with. with i also work with the zebras and the ostriches. by the way, natural enemies in the wild, zebras and ostriches. >> jay: all right, well, let's take a look at the clip. >> oh, this clip is me trying to talk him out of the zoo. >> jay: all right. here we go. >> i get it. a total spiritual journey. we're all in cages, man. i love it. but at the risk of stating the obvious, you're insane. okay? you're throwing yourself into insane debt. >> you good? >> yeah, all good, thanks. >> who is that? >> that's kelly. >> oh, okay. here's the revised dumping plan. dump the animal, keep kelly. that's true joy.
>> it's about rosie, man. she is happy here. >> rosie is 7. let's make her a nice zoo screen saver and she'll be just as happy. >> i'm trying to give her an authentic american experience. >> and it ends with you authentically living on my velour couch with your two children. [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: okay, "we bought a a zoo." that opens friday. we'll be right back with turtleman ernie brown jr. right after this. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i wouldn't do that. get married? no, i wouldn't use that single miles credit card. nice ring. knock it off. ignore him. with the capital one venture card you earn... double miles on every purchase. [ sharon ] 3d is so real larry. i'm right here larry. if you're not earning double miles... you're settling for half. really? a plaid tie? what, are we in prep school? [ male announcer ] get the venture card at capitalone.com and earn
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>> jay: welcome back. thomas, thanks for bringing that -- >> thomas: oh, you liked it? >> jay: that was very nice. that was very nice. i appreciate that. >> thomas: does that mean i have to leave now? >> jay: no, no, you can stay. you're gonna like this guy. this is your kind of guy. he's a real character. he's the leading authority on turtles in central kentucky. he also has a tv show, "call of the wildman," that airs sunday nights on the animal planet. please welcome turtleman himself, ernie brown jr. turtleman! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: how you been, turtleman? >> all right. what you doing, jay? >> jay: good to see you again. good to see you, buddy. >> why in the world do you have me back on here now for? >> jay: well, we love having you on. i'm trying to figure out if your town -- what's the name of your town?
>> lebanon, marion county. >> jay: is it bigger than his town? how many in your town? >> 6,000 in my town. >> how many in your town? >> thomas: me. [ laughter ] >> jay: wow. >> i only heard it through the grapevine, now. i'm just backwoods. >> jay: you're not in the city. you're way out. >> way out. i just heard it through the trees and the grapevines. and i heard 6,000. >> jay: and there's no running water in your house, right? >> no running water. i just take a bath out in the rainwater. when it rains, i love it. i go out there soaping off. >> jay: sure. sometimes you get -- you made your first trip to new york city recently. >> yes. i was up there. i had to go visit my people that made the -- "call of the wildman." >> jay: tell me about new york city. what was that like? >> oh, man. that was the most foxiest town i've ever been in. >> jay: foxiest. [ laughter ] what does that mean? >> they got some foxy people up there. >> jay: what does that mean to a wildman from kentucky? >> whew! i like it up there. yeah, i went to see the statue of liberty. >> jay: okay.
>> yeah, i was so proud. me and neil james made it there. we just had tears in our eyes. that's what it's all about. >> jay: how was the food in new york? [ applause ] >> the food in new york. it's good. scared me to death. >> jay: really? what scared you about the food? >> jay, i got me a hamburger. i didn't even get the fries or the coke with it. >> jay: yeah? >> $28. i said, "that's enough." whew! >> jay: welcome to new york, buddy! >> that's what i said. this place down here, jay, y'all the shiniest people i've ever met. >> jay: in los angeles? >> yeah. the shiniest people i've ever met. >> jay: these are the "shiniest people." what do you mean by shini >> y'all shine. i mean, even you do. >> jay: reall >> look at them a shining. woo hoo! >> jay: you know why. >> you know why? they didn't charge me $28 for a a hamburger. >> jay: no, they all bathe in rainwater. that's what it is. >> oh, rainwater! >> jay: now, tell us about -- people might think you're a a hunter. but you're not. you catch them, rig >> i cat >> jay: and you save them? >> i save them. i've sa turtles. like i said last time i was o
thanks for having me back, by the way >> jay: we appreciate that. it's 'cause some people might think you're hunting t but you save them. what -- you relocate them. what do you do wit >> relocate them. i catc to a wild >> jay: yeah. >> and once we get them there, sometimes we tag the snapping turtles. >> jay: mm-hmm. >> it's apparently like a time machine. 'cause nobody knows how old a a snapping turtle rea >> jay: right. >> unless you cut its leg off and count the rings inside it. [ laughter ] that's a true story. >> jay: that sounds like a -- >> that's like a true story. >> jay: i'm not a city slicker. you're not putting me on, you, boy? >> no, i' >> jay: we don' folks doing that. you cut off the leg and you count the rings? that seem a little extreme. >> thomas: does that mean turtles out there? [ light lau >> well, i don't want to find out but i have caught three legged turtles, so i don't know. >> jay: why would people call you on a turtle? are they bothering people? >> yeah. they bite cow's udders. and horses on the nose or the legs you gotta, you know -- they pull their geese and swans down. >> jay: really? >> and people love their ducks in kentucky. and they will eat up a duck. >> jay: you catch rats, too.
>> rats, skunks, that's the worst job i did. >> jay: what happened in this house? what happened in this house? you were catching rats. they called you? >> yeah, they called me. this girl sandy said that she had five or six rats. and every time you see five or six rats, you got about 15 other rats that you don't see. >> jay: wow. >> i knew i was in trouble. >> jay: well, we got tape. let's take a look. >> all right, let's check it out. >> oh, man! get out! they just busted through. rats come falling out of everywhere! oh, man. they just kept coming out of holes. they were following the other rats out. rats love peanut butter and bread. but they can't stand the smell of peppermint. >> put it all around the walls. >> he drove the rats to the center. they really enjoyed themselves some peanut butter sandwiches in the middle of what looked like their little rat picnic. turtleman said -- >> now, now, now! get them now! get them now! >> it worked. >> whew! [ cheers and applause ] >> whew! good trick. >> thomas: that is a good
trick. >> jay: and even the rats you relocate, right? you don't kill the rats. >> we don't kill the rats. we turn them into the pet place. they wanted them, and we gave it to them. >> jay: i know what happens then. [ laughter ] i bet they go live on a farm. >> that's what they told me. >> jay: that's what they told you. now, what do you have here? >> we got some turtles down here. >> jay: bring me some turtle. i want to cut that leg open. [ applause ] >> woo hoo! this is a hog nosed turtle. also called a pig nose turtle from new guinea. >> jay: a pig nose. wow! turn him -- can we turn him sideways so they can see the nose a little bit? look at that. wow. >> they got big eyes. and they swim really fast. you can't catch them. >> jay: they're fast in the water? >> oh, gosh. >> are there any turtles that are fast on land? >> they can move about one-mile-an-hour. maybe two. but don't trust them, because if you walk up behind the screen or back behind a tree, you walk back, they're gone. >> jay: really. >> that's how fast they can
disappear on you. >> jay: okay. now, what do they eat? >> this critter eats bugs, and insects, fruit. and down in australia, if you get a dead kangaroo in the water or the river, he would rather get the taste of kangaroo. >> jay: really. >> that's a true story. >> jay: and they lay eggs, right? >> one might eat fruit. the other one might say, "well, i'm going back over to the kangaroo, find me another one." >> jay: give that one to thomas to hold. >> thomas, you want to hold this one? >> thomas: sure. >> this one ain't got no claws, so you don't have to worry about him. he won't bite you. >> jay: okay, what else you got? >> thomas: now he looks panicked. all right. the next one here is a very rare alligator snapping turtle. yeah, let's get him out here. he's very strong. >> jay: wow, that's a big guy. >> woo hoo! that's live action right here. yeah. i think we can get him on the table. yeah. >> jay: this looks like a a dinosaur. >> they do. they're old as dinosaurs. >> jay: as old as dinosaurs. >> check it out, watch out, dude! this is the dangerous end.
i don't know if you've seen the little tongue in its mouth. it has like a lure, like a a little worm. this fish swims down. if it gets in their mouth, wham! he's snapperlicious suppertime. >> jay: and how powerful is that jaw? is it really powerful? >> yes. it can break a broom handle in two. it can cut off your hand. that's how powerful they are. >> jay: and how do they protect themselves? just go into their shell? >> no, they just bite you. [ laughter ] that's howhey protect themselves. >> jay: seems like it would work. have you been bitten? you ever been bitten? >> i've been bitten 33 times, and it feels like a pair of vice grips crushing down on you. and they cut four different way ow! >> jay: who is their natural predator? >> the natural predator is a a bulldozer. >> jay: yeah? [ laughter ] >> the sun. >> jay: the sun? >> yeah, if they get out in the heat over 87 to 90 degrees, and they get caught in the heat, pretty strong. you might want to tug-of-war there. >> jay: boy! incredible how strong it is. wow! >> you can feel it there. >> jay: wow, look at that.
>> you can't pull that back. >> thomas: this guy seems really shy and not willing to bite anything. >> jay: a good swimmer? >> not a good swimmer. they just lay on the bottom of the ocean -- not the ocean, but the lake, the river. and that's why he sets that little tongue there. that's how he catches the food. he's a bottom dweller. >> jay: well, very good. now, "call of the wildman," sunday nights on animal planet, right? >> we've got one more turtle! >> jay: no, we've got no more time. will you bring it next time? bring it next time. we'll do it next time. the turtleman. be right back with johnny mathis right after this. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: my next guest is a a legendary recording artist who's sold over 100 million records worldwide. and the greatest guy in show business. he'll be on tour. he'll be at the flint center in cupertino, california on december 23rd. his latest cd is called "let it be me: mathis in nashville." tonight, he's gonna perform a
a special christmas medley for us. please welcome the one, the only, johnny mathis. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ have yourself a merry little christmas let your heart be light from now on ♪ ♪ our troubles will be out of sight have yourself a merry little christmas ♪ ♪ make the yuletide gay from now on our troubles will be miles away ♪ ♪ here we are as in olden days
chestnuts roasting on an open fire ♪ ♪ jack frost nipping at your nose yuletide carols being sung by a choir ♪ ♪ and folks dressed up like eskimos everybody knows a turkey and ♪ ♪ some mistletoe help to make the season bright tiny tots ♪ ♪ with their eyes all aglow will find it hard to sleep tonight they know that ♪ ♪ santa's on his way
he's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh ♪ ♪ and every mother's child is gonna spy to see if reindeer really know ♪ ♪ how to fly and so i'm offering this simple phrase to kids from one ♪ ♪ to 92 although it's been said many times many ways merry christmas ♪ ♪ merry christmas merry christmas
to you ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: yeah! the incomparable johnny mathis! good job, boss. the best, johnny mathis. i want to thank my guests, thomas haden church, the turtleman, ernie brown jr. of course, johnny mathis, himself. tomorrow night, jonah hill and chris paul will be here. jimmy fallon happening right now. jimmy! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
>> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, thank you.
i feel the love. i appreciate it. thank you very much. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. thank you for being here. well, christmas is -- [ cheers ] thank you very much. christmas -- christmas is just around the corner and everyone's traveling for the holidays and -- so get this, yesterday, tsa workers at lax sang, "i believe i can fly" for passengers. [ laughter ] it was nice. and i thought this was cool, for jetblue passengers they sang, "i believe i can fly six hours later than i was supposed to." [ laughter ] the tsa workers also sang, "deck the halls." not to be confused with their normal song, "check the balls." [ laughter ] they didn't sing that one. no, they didn't. did i tell you about my grandma, by the way? >> steve: no, what happened? >> jimmy: you seriously didn't -- did you read your e-mails today? >> steve: no, i've been so busy, you know what i mean, going to soup kitchens and stuff like that. [ laughter ] what happened?
>> jimmy: she got ran over by a reindeer. [ laughter ] >> where? >> jimmy: she was walking out of our house, it was christmas eve and i think she was having too much eggnog or whatever. >> steve: what happened? >> jimmy: i just -- i dunno man, i just -- i -- >> steve: i hope this didn't shatter your faith in -- >> jimmy: santa? >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: as for me and grandpa, we still believe. [ laughter ] >> steve: are ya -- what are -- >> jimmy: all right, you guys, speaking of christmas -- >> steve: are you gonna take the presents back? >> jimmy: a man -- speaking of christmas, a -- a man in california broke a world record by ringing a salvation army bell for more than 36 hours straight. well, i guess that guy's going in 2012 as the record holder -- or is he? [ bell ringing ] we can do this guys. come on. [ applause ] >> steve: you can do it.
[ rhythmic applause ] >> jimmy: i can't do it. i can't do it. the guy's a legend. i can't do it. [ light laughter ] >> steve: you tried. >> jimmy: i'll just keep thinking about grandma. [ laughter ] >> steve: is she okay? >> jimmy: no. [ laughter ] no, she's not okay. you know the biggest problem we have? >> steve: what is that? >> jimmy: we're not sure if we should open up the gifts or send them back. >> steve: really? [ light laughter ] oh my god, that's horrible. i'm so sorry. >> jimmy: yeah, no problem. hey, i just want to say happy birthday to chinese president hu jintao. he turned 69 years old today. obama got him this really beautiful clock. take a look at this. isn't that nice? >> steve: aww. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: beautiful. beautiful present -- yeah, it's really nice. here's an election update. in a new interview, new jersey governor, chris christie -- we love chris christie -- he said -- he advised mitt romney to be edgier and bolder. or, as romney put it, "good bye black socks, hello blue socks! [ laughter ] oh yeah. they don't match."
some sports news -- the ncaa announced that ohio state will be banned from bowl games for a year because of a bribery scandal involving players. then penn state was like, "wait, but we're still okay? [ laughter ] okay, i guess." hey, listen to this -- i heard that jay-z and kanye west were paid $3 million each to perform at a sweet 16 party in dubai. wow, i don't want to brag but when i was 16, i had my birthday at the ground round. [ laughter ] some celebrity news, this week, chaz bono announced that he split up but his long-time girlfriend after six years together. [ audience aws ] yeah. it's the classic case of girl meets girl, girl becomes boy, then other girl who stayed a girl leaves boy/ex-girl. [ light laughter ] and finally, a man in connecticut proposed to his girlfriend by spelling out the words "will you marry me" in
christmas lights. it was a little awkward though. before she could answer, the guy's neighbor, bill, was like, "yes! a thousand times yes!" [ light laughter ] we have a great show tonight. give it up for -- ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we got a great show tonight. first, i want to show you guys this thing. we have -- we have a new app. we have an app coming out here. [ cheers ] it's called. "wake-up call," right? "jimmy fallon's wake-up call." it's my new app and -- look at this -- it's got a bunch of different -- it's just an alarm chock, really. [ light laughter ] it's an alarm clock -- you got that there. or you can -- so you can go either way. digital, flippy jones, or that dude, classy. classy individual. [ light laughter ] that's called classy individual, is the name of that one, yeah. but what happens is you set the alarm and then i fake call your phone and wake you up.
so you -- there's a bunch of different calls. i do like 17 different calls. let's do one, here's one. this one's called -- see, here's the different calls, you can get those. any of those. so let's try buttermilk. [ light laughter ] >> hey, it's jimmy and guess what? it's time to churn the buttermilk! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: there you go. >> steve: that'll get you up. >> jimmy: that's it. so you can do any of those and it'll wake you up. that's worth 99 cents, right? >> steve: just woke me up. >> jimmy: yeah, just woke you up now. and here's the best part of it. like here, you go into settings. 'cause this makes me mad every day of my life. you go to snooze and i'm tired of snooze always being seven minutes or nine minutes. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: who decides that? [ light laughter ] >> steve: the man. >> jimmy: it makes no sense. i can't get my rems. [ light laughter ] when i snooze, i wanna get at least two -- two good rems. >> steve: you gotsta get 'em in so what'd you do? >> jimmy: check this out. five, ten, 15, 20, 25, 30. [ audience ohs ] >> steve: oh. >> jimmy: can you imagine snoozing for 30 minutes? >> i like a four-hour snooze. >> jimmy: that's a -- that's a decent snooze, man. [ laughter ] >> steve: that's no longer "alarm." [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: we should get like a two-hour snooze put in there. >> steve: two, four, six and
eight. >> jimmy: "i ain't ready to get up. not for another two hours." and then you can set the rings for different rings too. you go back to this. different types of fun ring tones. you've got. country. ♪ [ laughter ] you have latin. ♪ [ laughter ] and then, i like this. this is new age. ♪ [ laughter ] >> steve: that's a peaceful way to get up. >> jimmy: that's a peaceful way to wake up. that's what i'm talking about right there, guys. so anyways, it's fun, it's available now for 99 cents at the app store. check it out. [ cheers and applause ] "wake-up call." we like to do fun things, why not? >> steve: why not? live it up. >> jimmy: we got a great show tonight. he's one of the best comedians out there. he's got a great show on fx and a brand-new special he's released only on the internet. it's a new thing that no one's ever done before and it -- it killed. like a huge success. he's one of the funniest guy. louis c.k. is here, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] funny dude.
she is beautiful and so great in this movie. from "mission impossible - ghost protocol," paula patton is dropping by. [ cheers and applause ] gorgeous. and back on the show performing a song from her album "this christmas," the legendary aretha franklin is on the show tonight. [ cheers and applause ] can't beat that. also, we have to thank the good people over old navy for sponsoring our music this week. [ cheers and applause ] we got carole king. we had rufus wainwright, aretha franklin, tomorrow we have the rockettes and on friday, i'm going to sing a song with kermit the frog. >> steve: aww. >> jimmy: and you know robin, thlittle dude? he's a little frog? the tadpole dude? yeah, i'm going to sing with him and kermit. >> steve: aww. >> jimmy: yeah, he's cute. but it's been a great week so i want to thank old navy for that because we can't afford this stuff. [ cheers and applause ] the muppets are expensive. guys, there are only three shows before we go on christmas break. it's time for that beloved late night tradition, "12 days of christmas sweaters."
♪ 12 days of christmas sweaters three days left ♪ >> jimmy: very nice. every show between now and christmas we are giving one lucky, lucky audience member a rad christmas sweater. [ cheers and applause ] from the countdown to christmas cabinet and since there are three shows left, let's open door number three. [ drum roll ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] does it ring? does it make sounds? it makes sounds, it jingles. if you really got a good skip to your step -- [ laughter ] ready for your beans to get freaked? [ laughter ] dim the lights. bang! ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
bang. all right, that's good. you will have - you will have no idea what that is when it's dark. you'll be like, "it doesn't say anything." either way, how cool is that? >> steve: that's a sweater. >> jimmy: bonus. >> steve: oh! [ laughter ] what is it? >> jimmy: that is rudolph. now, let's see who's going home with tonight's sweater. everyone look at your seat number. now if i call your number i need you to jump up and let me know where you are. quest, can i get a drum roll please? [ drum roll ] who wants me to pick your number? this is a good sweater. [ cheers and applause ] 245! ♪ there he is. ♪ i see you. come on over. >> thank you, thank you. >> jimmy: what is your name? >> tom cuchos. >> jimmy: tom cuchos, where are you from, tom? >> paramus, new jersey. >> jimmy: hey, good, welcome, thanks for coming to our show. appreciate that. [ applause ]
well, it gets cold in new jersey, right? you need a good sweater now and then. what's that? >> it looks a little bit small but i'll take it. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i could always draw another number, too tom. [ laughter ] try it on, i think it'll fit fine. try it on. yeah, just -- yeah, i bet you. i bet you if you just -- you got to -- you just got to work it in, man. there you go. what are you talking about? that's fantastic. [ cheers and applause ] look at this. you look better than ever. you look fantastic. >> how do you light it up? >> jimmy: have you been working out? >> a little -- >> jimmy: yeah, i can tell. [ laughter ] dim the lights and just watch the magic happen. [ cheers and applause ] there you go -- buddy. that looks good. there you go, you look good, tom. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
well, in the spirit of giving we're about to give away some awesome stuff right now. it's time for "late night stocking stuffers," you guys. >> hey ladies. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ it's the late-night stocking stuffer, girl ♪ yeah. >> jimmy: that is right, every night this week we're going to be giving an awesome gift to every single person in our studio audience. [ cheers and applause ] you guys ready to see what you're getting tonight? this is going to be good! tonight's stocking stuffer is -- [ drum roll ] two years of netflix, right there! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: each member of our studio audience receives not one but two years of unlimited streaming from netflix. now you can instantly watch unlimited movies and tv shows from anywhere at any time. give the gift of netflix this holiday season at netflix.com. jimmy. >> jimmy: that's very good. very nice.
enjoy that, everybody. stick around, we'll be right back with the "late night topical carolers." come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] if you're intrigued by the hand-selected wood trim... the 38 1/2 inches of legroom... and the reclinable, heated napa leather seats inside the jeep grand cherokee, just wait until we tell you about the heated and ventilated front seats. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: ladies and gentlemen, the "late night" topical carolers. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ one thing that happened in 2011 was charlie sheen lost his freaking mind ♪ [ light laughter ] ♪ another thing that happened in 2011 republicans running for president ♪ ♪ and charlie sheen lost his freaking mind ♪ ♪ another thing that happened in 2011
royal wedding fever ♪ ♪ republicans running for president, and charlie sheen lost his freaking mind ♪ ♪ another thing that happened in 2011 nba lockout ♪ ♪ royal wedding fever republicans campaigning and charlie sheen lost his freaking mind ♪ ♪ this thing also happened in 2011 occupy wall street ♪ ♪ nba lockout royal wedding fever g.o.p debates ♪ ♪ and charlie sheen lost his freaking mind ♪ ♪ here's something else that happened in 2011 egyptian revolution
occupy wall street ♪ ♪ nba lockout did you guys see kate's dress? what's with herman cain? ♪ ♪ and charlie sheen lost his freaking mind ♪ ♪ also what happened in 2011 kim kardashian's marriage egyptian revolution occupy wall street ♪ ♪ nba lockout don't even get me started on pippa ♪ ♪ seriously, how many people did herman cain harass? ♪ ♪ and charlie sheen lost his freaking mind ♪ ♪ an additional thing that happened in 2011 spiderman on broadway ♪ ♪ kim's phony marriage civil unrest in egypt occupy wall street ♪ [ laughter ]
♪ thank god they resolved that lockout pippa's butt was fantastic ♪ ♪ hey, remember rick perry ate that corn dog? ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ and charlie sheen lost his freaking mind ♪ ♪ one other thing that happened in 2011 no more bin laden spiderman on broadway ♪ ♪ i mean, they were only married for 72 days egyptian revolution occupy wall street ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ nba lockout i got up at 5 a.m. to watch it is that right? ♪ ♪ look how handsome mitt romney is ♪ ♪ and charlie sheen lost his freaking mind ♪ ♪ an additional thing that happened in 2011 debt ceiling crisis we finally got bin laden ♪ ♪ weirdest musical ever honestly it's like they didn't even try to make their marriage work ♪ ♪ craziness in egypt
occupy wall street ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ nba lockout it was like a fairy tale come true ♪ ♪ thank god trumps not running ♪ ♪ and charlie sheen lost his freaking mind ♪ ♪ one further thing that happened in 2011 bieber baby drama debt ceiling crisis ♪ ♪ take that osama seriously, it cost like a billion dollars to make it ♪ ♪ do you guys think kris humphries is gay? democracy in egypt occupy wall street ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ nba lockout she was the most beautiful bride, you know newt gingrich seriously? ♪ ♪ and charlie sheen lost his freaking mind ♪ ♪ one final thing that happened in 2011
oprah's final season bieber baby drama ♪ ♪ debt ceiling crisis suck it al qaeda! giant broadway failure ♪ ♪ frankly i don't know what to believe anymore because i feel like -- egyptian revolution ♪ ♪ occupy wall street ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ nba lockout giant royal wedding i'm not voting for any of these people ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ and charlie sheen lost his freaking mind ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> announcer: and now it's time to play "guess the gift." is it "a," a topographical map. "b," a burnt copy of taylor swift's "speak now" compact disc.
[ female announcer ] going round in circles to find the perfect holiday gift? give a subway card! buy or reload a $25 subway card and get a free regular 6" sub instantly! give a gift, get a gift. subway. eat fresh. it seems like for every anti-aging problem there's a different cream. i challenge that with olay. i've found one cream with everything i'm looking for... olay total effects. with 7 age defying effects in just one, easy to use cream. i've swapped to all-in-one total effects. why don't you swap too? mom: talk about easy! i just ordered this laptop online, now i'm picking it up right here. blueshirt: looks like santa's got some competition this year, huh? mom: yes he does. mom: ho-ho-ho. ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. vo: shop bestbuy.com and get free shipping on everything. or pick it up at any store the same day. and right now get $150 off select samsung laptops.
>> announcer: and now, the answer to tonight's "guess the gift." if you guessed "c," some throwing confetti, you were wrong. it's "b," a burnt copy of taylor swift's "speak now" compact disc. thanks for playing "guess the gift." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my next guest is one of the best standup comedians working right now. he's also the emmy-nominated creator, writer, director and star of the critically acclaimed fx show "louis." he just released his new special "louis ck: live at the beacon theater" available exclusively on his website. please welcome louis ck! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, thank you for being on the show, i appreciate it. >> thanks for having me. >> jimmy: it's our holiday week. >> it's great. >> jimmy: do you have any plans for the holidays? and big things? >> i've got kids so it's just awful, you know? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's not enjoyable at all? >> no, it's a nightmare. >> jimmy: is it really? >> it's just shopping and then they go, "oh, thanks." you know, and it's just -- it's a lot of work. and then new year's i got my kids for new year's eve and i told them they could stay up till midnight. but you know, i'll turn the clocks back and -- [ laughter ] -- put them to bed at 8:00 and go get some [ bleep ] [ laughter ] you asked me what i was going to do for the holidays. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, that's what you got to do. i guess so, yeah. i didn't want you to be that specific. >> that's the story. >> jimmy: no problem. >> sorry. i'm going to have a nice time. i'm going to enjoy myself. it's the holidays. >> jimmy: we can edit it out. instead of saying what you said, we could just put "nice time." >> nice time. >> jimmy: go out and get some
nice time. >> yes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you couldn't be hotter. what a year you've had. >> it's a crazy time. >> jimmy: oh my gosh. congratulations. look at this -- cover of "entertainment weekly." look at this. >> that's sweet. >> jimmy: that's you. [ cheers and applause ] entertainer of the year. giant. >> that's -- >> jimmy: that's great, man. that's awesome. it was killer. you were all over the place. >> well -- yeah. >> jimmy: what were you saying? [ laughter ] sorry. >> it's a weird time because i don't -- not accustomed to it. you know, i've been doing this for 27 years and a good 23 of them were terrible. so -- and you know, it's not like i'm going to have 27 good ones now, let alone 28. so it's -- the good times will always be far outweighed by the terrible. and it will end badly too. >> jimmy: what are you talking about? >> it will. of course it will. >> jimmy: you got to think positive. why? >> no, because -- whenever you see a guy, wow, he was really great. you look at him and he's older and you're, oh, nice time. i mean, that's where it's all headed. and that's -- no, it's good though, it's okay, because i'm good for all of it. i like witnessing life.